Confrontational Ability
Some conflict seems inevitable in life, especially when we live authentically and express ourselves freely. Whether it happens with coworkers, family members, or our partners, people’s perceptions, opinions, needs, and desires are not always congruent. Additionally, many people have insufficient coping mechanisms, are stressed, are emotionally unbalanced, and let their negative energy out on others.
Some conflict is natural and normal and can be a good thing when we learn to deal with it effectively. Other, more violent forms of conflict seem completely unnecessary and avoidable, like verbal aggression, exploitation, terror, war, homicide, robbery, brutality, and the like.
There is plenty of well-established content on how to deal with aggression, conflict, and crisis. In the Social 5, the focus is on forms of conflict that occur most frequently in our everyday lives and that lonely individuals often struggle with. Not knowing how to deal with people who disagree with us, criticize us, tease us harmlessly, or attack us verbally in front of others can lead to ineffective coping mechanisms like passivity or aggression that contribute to loneliness.
The Social 5 Basic Formula of Conflict Resolution
The following five steps show general principles that can help in dealing with verbal conflicts. Depending on the situation, these steps can—and sometimes need to be—adjusted or complemented by other methods.
- Become aware of what you feel
When you feel personally attacked, afraid, or are experiencing other negative emotions, use the awareness technique: “I am aware that I feel… bad/ afraid/ attacked/ annoyed/…” This can help to respond freely rather than reacting out of emotion.- Take nothing personally
What other people say or do usually has a lot more to do with their own cognitive distortions, emotional state, and genetic and environmental background than with the people they interact with. To remind yourself of that, you can think something like: “What they are saying reflects them, not me.”- Ask questions to make the other person explain themselves
“What do you mean by that?” “I’m not sure I understand you here. Do you mean…?” “Can you explain that a little bit more?” “Can you give me a specific example/situation?”
Asking questions is one of the best ways to de-deescalate and diffuse verbal confrontations. It can enhance each other’s understanding, create time to let emotions cool off, and give the other person the opportunity to reflect on what they said, which often leads them to soften up what they were saying when they repeat it.- Paraphrase what you heard the other person say
“You are saying … is that right? Am I hearing you correctly?”- Draw boundaries and leave if necessary
1. Let them know that you will not tolerate their behavior.
“If you don’t change your tone, I will not continue this conversation.” “Speak to me respectfully if you want me to engage.” “I won’t tolerate this sort of conversation.” “Do not talk to me like this.”
2. Leave the situation when they won’t stop.
Additionally, it can help to…
- Challenge the attack by asking questions like: “Why do you feel the need to say something like that?” “What are you trying to achieve by talking to me this way?”
- Redirect the conversation to the real issue if appropriate: e.g., “That’s not helpful. Can we talk about what’s really bothering you?”
- Show empathy and express understanding for their emotional state: e.g., “It seems like you’re really upset. What is going on?”
- Stay silent at times, since it can be powerful to deny the aggressor the reaction they often seek
- Assertively address verbal attacks after things have cooled off: e.g., “Your behavior was unacceptable for me there. What was going on? How can we prevent this in the future?”
- Write down and reflect on the conflict afterward to learn from it
- Practice self-affirmation by reminding yourself of your worth.
- Seek support from friends, and perhaps coaches or therapists, if needed
Click on the arrows below to learn more about dealing with different forms of conflict.
Before going over forms of serious verbal confrontations, let’s talk about playful banter and teasing, since it can be a problem for many people—especially for lonely people—and we can deal with it differently than with serious conflict. When you are uncertain about the seriousness and intentions of somebody else, one decent way to assess whether they are just joking around is whether they are usually friendly and positive towards you. If they are, give them the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s simply their way of teasing and connecting with you. Another indicator is whether they make a funny face or even smile while they are saying what they say. As with any form of confrontation, it’s not a good idea to take things personally, even if what they say is completely outrageous and disrespectful. If you later realize their intent was actually malicious, you can still address it accordingly.
In the following section, you’ll find some fun ways to respond to playful banter and teasing that you can try out if you want. A lot of these might feel inappropriate or childish to you—just do what you think is fun and appropriate. Also, keep in mind that you don’t have to react to silly insults and teasing at all if you don’t like this way of talking. A simple and serious “Hey, I don’t enjoy this kind of communication. Please do that with people who like it, but not with me.” can shut people down for good. Just don’t be surprised if they don’t invite you to their next party. Many people enjoy playfully messing with one another and not taking each other too seriously, so it can be a way of connecting with people.
The “Yes, and…”
A simple way to react to a silly insult or remark is to play along, letting everyone know how ridiculous it is by doubling down on it:
Person A: You look like your mom is dressing you.
Person B: Yes, that is the only form of contact I have with her.
Person A: You had a rough childhood, huh?
Person B: What is that, a “childhood”? It sounds nice.
Now, be careful with self-deprecating humor if you have low self-esteem. It works best when it’s obvious that there is rock-solid confidence underneath, you don’t take anything personally and just play along because it’s so silly. Ideally, you combine it with a comeback.
The Comeback
When someone playfully attacks you, just hit them back playfully. The more ridiculous, the better:
Person A: You look like your mom is dressing you.
Person B: At least I have a mom. / Oh no, this time it was your mom when I slept over last night. / You look like a clown who went bankrupt 100 years ago.
The “Yes, and…” Comeback combined
Start with “Yes, and…” and follow it up with a playful comeback:
Person A: You look like your mom is dressing you.
Person B: Yes, that is the only form of contact I have with her.
Person A: Rough childhood?
Person B: Not as rough as having to talk to you every day.
Or:
Person A: You look like your mom is dressing you.
Person B: Yes, she is a fashion designer.
The Dismissing
Just shutting the banter down in a playful, exaggerated, and brisk way.
Person A: You look like your mom is dressing you.
Person B: “Ah, shut up.” / “Don’t talk to me.” / “I don’t hear you, I don’t see you, you do not exist.”
The Fantastic Idea
Often, playful banter isn’t just about insulting each other but about creating amusing or fantastic scenarios together, with each conversation partner trying to take it to the next level:
Person A: “So let’s think… we are a food company for animals, and our boss wants us to get more in touch with the animals. What could we do?”
Person B: “Imagine we came to work dressed up like animals to identify more with them—method acting.”
Person C: “But no, then we would eat all the food ourselves.”
Person B: “True. Also, I’d come as a lion and eat every one of you.”
Person D: “Oh, come on, we all know you’d come as a hyena in heat… like every day.”
The Dad Joke Front
It can be helpful to keep an ear out for dad jokes, silly insults, remarks, and sayings and memorize them to have them ready for suitable situations.
Some examples:
“You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day!”
“You’re the reason we have warning labels on everything.”
“Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the no-bell’ prize.”
“What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.”
“Did you get a haircut?” – “No, I got them all cut!”
And so on…
How to practice playful banter and silly insults
One way to practice being verbally fluid in these situations is to stop judging yourself. Whenever you catch yourself holding back saying something, say it. If you have a lot of very mean thoughts that would hurt most people when spoken, you can counteract this by fostering your empathy and appreciation (click here).
Don’t judge yourself if people haven’t laughed or if your words came out wrong. One thing that can help with this is practicing internal awareness using the already established method—for example: “I am aware that I feel bad because nobody laughed.” Then follow that up with a reminder not to take things personally, such as: “It doesn’t matter that nobody laughed; it’s not about me winning a prize for being funny, it’s about having a good time together. Nobody cares in the long run.”
Other ways to improve playful banter capabilities can include:
- Listening to standup comedy frequently.
- Watching comedies.
- Going to improvisational theatre classes and practicing typical exercises, like free association.
- Writing down silly jokes and remembering them.
- Practicing not taking anything personally and increasing your self-esteem (e.g., by learning to avoid common cognitive distortions).
What if you hurt someone with your silly remarks?
Many people take things that are said or done to them personally, and many people’s sense of self-worth seems to depend on approval from others. So, if people don’t understand you’re joking, they might feel hurt in response to your words. Once you notice this, the easiest way to deal with it is usually to apologize or clarify that you didn’t mean it seriously.
Overall, one could argue that it’s better to risk irritating some people and then apologize when you realize it rather than tiptoe around everyone, trying to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings but, in the process, neglecting your authenticity, freedom of expression, fun, and joy. Compassion and consideration for other people’s feelings are valuable and prosocial tendencies; however, trying to bend to everyone’s particular needs often doesn’t seem reasonable. Ask yourself whether what you’re saying is maliciously or lovingly intended. If it’s the latter, it might simply be the other person’s issue if they take it personally or feel triggered—harsh as that may sound. It’s a common human tendency to adopt the role of a powerless victim of the “aggressive” outside world rather than taking responsibility for one’s own emotions and actions.
Of course, that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be a good idea to apologize, explain yourself, and move on when someone gets triggered. Just don’t condemn yourself if you didn’t meet everyone else’s needs. It seems unreasonable to change yourself for others when it goes against your authenticity, values, and beliefs—particularly if you don’t see how changing your behavior would reduce suffering in the world—provided you’ve honestly considered their arguments.
A factual disagreement is a difference in opinions about something. Although it’s not negative per se, it is a more serious form of confrontation than playful banter. Person A says one thing; Person B disagrees and says another thing. For lonely or anxious people, something as mundane as this can appear and feel like a threat and attack on their person, which is unfortunate, as factual disagreement and discussion can often bring about progress.
We can deal with factual disagreement by following the basic formula for conflict resolution described above.
- Become aware of what you feel
“I am aware that I feel… “ This can help to respond freely rather than reactively. - Take nothing personally
You can remind yourself of that by thinking something like: “What they are saying reflects them, not me.” - Ask questions
“What do you mean by that?” “I’m not sure I understand you here. Do you mean…” “Can you explain that a little bit more?” “Can you give me a specific example/situation?” - Paraphrase what you heard the other person say
“You are saying … Is that right? Am I hearing you correctly?”
In a normal factual disagreement, the last step can be agreeing to disagree with one another instead of needing to draw boundaries or leave the situation. Sometimes, we can’t find common ground, or people are unwilling to give up their positions. This can be a good thing since different perspectives generally reflect the richness of life. It can be viewed as a sign of strength and tolerance to accept others’ opinions without needing to change them or insisting on being right even when we are. If you want to end a factual disagreement that isn’t resolved, you can simply say: “I understand your point of view/what you are saying/where you are coming from. I see it differently, but that’s okay; let’s leave it at that for now.”
Being criticized can take many forms: a prescheduled meeting with your boss, a sudden remark from one of your friends, a disappointed stare from a parent… Critique can be constructive or dismissive, wrapped in compliments, hidden under sweet words and gestures, angry, calm, and so on. However, the basic conflict resolution strategy can be a good starting point for dealing with most cases:
- Become aware of what you feel
“I am aware that I feel… “ This can help to respond freely rather than reactively. - Take nothing personally
You can remind yourself of that by thinking something like: “What they are saying reflects them, not me.” - Ask questions
“What do you mean by that?” “I’m not sure I understand you here. Do you mean…” “Can you explain that a little bit more?” “Can you give me a specific example/situation?” - Paraphrase what you heard the other person say
“You are saying … Is that right? Am I hearing you correctly?” - Draw boundaries and leave if the critique turns into a verbal attack
- Let them know that you will not tolerate their behavior.
“If you don’t change your tone, I will not continue this conversation.” “Speak to me respectfully if you want me to engage.” “I won’t tolerate this sort of conversation.” “Do not talk to me like this.” - Leave the situation when they don’t stop.
More than ever, it’s important not to take it personally when you get criticized. People’s perceptions are distorted, and a lot of people are emotionally impaired and have poor communication skills, especially when it comes to criticizing others. Do not take it to heart. When they are being harsh toward you, they are most likely being harsh toward others and themselves as well. Instead, take a step back and see whether there is something in their feedback that might be true and helpful without falling into their negative frame. Ask yourself: “Are they making me aware of something that would benefit me if I improve on it?”
Verbal attacks are words that are said to hurt someone. They can include direct insults, name-calling, belittling, sarcasm, threats or intimidation, character attacks, mocking, accusations, shaming, invalidation, gaslighting, and more. On paper, they can sometimes look like playful banter or silly insults, but the difference lies in the seriousness and the intention behind them.
Examples
- “You’re a failure; no one respects you.”
- “You’re overreacting as usual; no one cares.”
- “You’re a loser.”
- “Oh sure, because you’re the expert on everything, right?”
- “Keep talking, and you’ll regret it.”
- “You’re always such a liar; no one can trust you.”
- “Aww, did I hurt your feelings? Grow up.”
- “This is all your fault; you ruin everything.”
- “Stop being so sensitive. It’s not a big deal.”
- “You’re making things up again; you can’t trust your own memory.”
The basic conflict resolution formula can help here as well. However, instead of asking questions as the third step, it may be more appropriate to draw a boundary right away to show that you will stand up for yourself and won’t tolerate rude behavior. This can be followed by addressing the situation assertively and, when appropriate, asking the usual questions for better understanding and paraphrasing the answers.
- Become aware of what you feel
“I am aware that I feel… “ This can help to respond freely rather than reactively. - Take nothing personally
You can remind yourself of that by thinking something like: “What they are saying reflects them, not me.” - Draw boundaries and leave if the critique turns into a verbal attack
- Let them know that you will not tolerate their behavior.
“If you don’t change your tone, I will not continue this conversation.” “Speak to me respectfully if you want me to engage.” “I won’t tolerate this sort of conversation.” “Do not talk to me like this.” - Leave the situation when they don’t stop.
- Let them know that you will not tolerate their behavior.
- Address the situation assertively
When things have cooled off, emphasize that this behavior is not acceptable to you and investigate what led to the situation and how it can be prevented in the future.
“This behavior was unacceptable to me; do you understand this? What happened? It seemed you were very upset there; why was that? How can we prevent this in the future?” - Ask more questions for further understanding and paraphrase if appropriate
- Address the situation assertively
When things have cooled off, emphasize that this behavior is not acceptable to you and investigate what led to the situation and how it can be prevented in the future.
“This behavior was unacceptable to me; do you understand this? What happened? It seemed you were very upset there; why was that? How can we prevent this in the future?” - Ask more questions for further understanding and paraphrase if appropriate
“What do you mean by that?”, “I’m not sure I understand you here; do you mean…?”, “Can you explain that a little bit more?”, “Can you give me a specific example or situation?”, “You are saying … is that right? Am I hearing you correctly?”
Confrontational ability in the Social 5 is about handling verbal confrontations, not physical attacks. Generally, the most reasonable advice regarding physical altercations seems to be to avoid them if possible. Anecdotally, standing up to bullies by hitting them back has sometimes been reported to be effective; however, usually, the most appropriate response seems to be to avoid fights, even if it means swallowing your pride, leaving your ego aside, or potentially looking like a coward to others. It’s simply not worth it to hurt others, get seriously harmed yourself, or even die.
Ask yourself which actions lead to the least amount of total suffering, and choose those. In rare cases, concentrated violence can prevent greater suffering—for example, when you protect yourself with force in an act of self-defense against a physical attack. Sometimes, physical fights are unavoidable because they are forced upon you without the possibility of avoidance or escape. Fortunately, this happens relatively rarely in most parts of the world, yet it can make sense to take up martial arts like boxing, kickboxing, or grappling if you are fit enough to do so. If you stick to these martial arts for several years, it’s also likely that the confidence and social contacts that spring from them help alleviate your loneliness as well. Participation in proper self-defense and conflict de-escalation courses is also recommended.