Empathy

Empathy can be described as the capacity to understand others’ internal states (Seppala et al., 2017)1. The concept often involves two nuances: 1. understanding others’ emotions and motives, and 2. actually feeling what others feel when you interact with them.

Empathy can function as a social bridge that allows us to connect with one another (Seppala et al., 2017) and is, therefore, a crucial skill to foster for lonely individuals. The cognitive distortions accompanying loneliness can sometimes cloud empathy—for example, by creating an exaggerated focus on oneself or fostering passivity and aggression through erroneous assessments of being attacked in harmless situations. In a way, the interpretation bias that often accompanies loneliness is also a lack of empathy, as it is characterized by the incorrect assumption and attribution of the emotions and motives of others—a mechanism that, in turn, alters social interactions negatively.

Exercises to increase empathy

Scientifically established ways to increase empathy include:

  • Communication skills training (e.g., Ratka, 2018)2 – which is covered by all the other Social 5 practices as well as practicing avoiding cognitive distortions.
  • Practicing mindfulness under certain circumstances (e.g., Winning & Boag, 2015)3 – which is covered particularly with the awareness (naming and breathing) exercises mentioned throughout the road out of loneliness.
  • Reading fiction – It’s estimated that identifying with a character and following a story is responsible for the reported correlation between fiction consumption and increased empathy (Rowe, 2018)4. As a start, reading or listening to fiction regularly—e.g., 15 minutes before going to bed—is recommended.
  • Practicing gratitude (Bono & Sender, 2018)5 – This is included in the fifth pillar of the Social 5: Appreciation.

In addition to these suggestions, the Social 5 proposes two other exercises:

1.

Hypothesizing what others feel and getting active feedback for your assessments. For one week, focus on wondering what the other person is feeling, and then ask them from time to time what they are feeling and thinking.
For example, imagine your coworker indignantly telling you a story about something unpleasant that happened to her. First, ask yourself what she is feeling. If you think it’s anger, you might ask, “Do you feel angry when you think about this?”

The feedback you receive can sharpen your assessments of other people’s feelings over time. However, many people tend to disagree with outside assessments of their emotions when they feel analyzed or when their true feelings are socially undesirable, even if you were spot on with your evaluation. For example, they might show obvious signs of anger, but when you ask whether they are angry, they say, “No, I’m disappointed.” Social dynamics like these can make it tricky to evaluate whether your assessment of others’ feelings is truly accurate.

Nevertheless, as long as your estimation of their feelings falls roughly into the same realm as what they report, you can view that as a successful assessment. If you ask, “Are you angry?” and they say, “No, I’m just annoyed,” your guess was likely at least partially correct. A clear empathetic error would be if you ask, “Do you feel angry?” and they convincingly say, “No, I’m pretty happy right now,” or “No, I’m just a bit disgusted.” So, ask questions and see whether you were more or less correct; over time, you will likely become more accurate in your predictions and more comfortable expressing empathy to others. People usually appreciate it when they notice others paying attention to them and trying to understand where they are coming from.

2.

Reading well-established and validated content regarding human psychology. Any science-based psychology book will do. Ideally, it includes sections about emotions, motivation, and social psychology. However, caution is needed here, too. As one of my psychology professors used to say, “About 50% of what we learn will turn out to be wrong in the next few decades.” Almost everything we call knowledge is likely inaccurate or incomplete in some way. Yet, having a theoretical understanding of why humans behave the way they do can lead to more effective communication and more pleasant social interactions—which is why it’s recommended, despite the possibility of being misleading at times.

← Back: Social Skills

Next: Appreciation →

Sources
  1. Seppala, E., Simon-Thomas, E., Brown, S. L., Worline, M. C., Cameron, C. D., & Doty, J. R. (Eds.). (2017). Chapter 16. The Oxford Handbook of Compassion Science. Oxford University Press. ↩︎
  2. Ratka, A. (2018). Empathy and the development of affective skills. American Journal of Pharmaceutical Education, 82(10), Article 7192. https://doi.org/10.5688/ajpe7192 ↩︎
  3. Winning, A. P., & Boag, S. (2015). Does brief mindfulness training increase empathy? The role of personality. Personality and Individual Differences, 86, 492–498. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2015.07.011 ↩︎
  4. Rowe, Dora. (2018). The “Novel” Approach: Using Fiction to Increase Empathy. Virginia Libraries. 63. 10.21061/valib.v63i1.1474. https://virginialibrariesjournal.org/articles/10.21061/valib.v63i1.1474 ↩︎
  5. Bono, G., & Sender, J. T. (2018). How Gratitude Connects Humans to the Best in Themselves and in Others. Research in Human Development, 15(3–4), 224–237. https://doi.org/10.1080/15427609.2018.1499350 ↩︎

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