First Aid for Loneliness
It can take time and patience to completely overcome loneliness and build the social connections we desire. However, there are ways to address the pain of loneliness at the very moment we feel it. The following exercises are well-established meditation and awareness practices that can help alleviate many negative emotions, including loneliness.
Naming Meditation
Start by naming the distressing feeling you are experiencing out loud or in your head in this fashion: “I am aware that I feel lonely…” Then continue naming whatever else you become aware of using the same formula, “I am aware that…” For example: “I am aware that I feel lonely… I am aware that I feel sad… I am aware that I am sitting… I am aware that my back hurts… I am aware that I don’t feel good… I am aware I think this doesn’t work… I am aware that my mouth feels dry… I am aware that I am breathing…” and so on.
Continue in this manner for some time, and don’t stop when you feel resistance, disbelief, boredom, anger, or frustration coming up. Take a leap of faith and try it out for at least 5-10 minutes before judging it as useless. It is recommended to use this exercise in combination with slow, deep breathing, as described in the next exercise.
Continuously naming the contents of your mind centers your awareness on what you perceive in the present moment. It has been said that one of the pains and beauties of life is its constant change. Panta rhei–everything flows–as it has been attributed to the Greek philosopher Heraclitus around 2,500 years ago. The ever-flowing change of things can come in handy when we feel persistent negative emotions. Doing this naming meditation when feeling lonely, you may notice that you do not feel lonely constantly, but you also continuously become aware of many other sensations and thoughts. Focusing on whatever comes to our awareness right now can break the train of circling thoughts, compulsive thinking, and feeling stuck in negative emotions. This method is also an excellent way to deal with emotional and behavioral reactivity that we can see in addictions, for example.
Focused Breathing
- Inhale deeply into your belly for 3 seconds, allowing it to expand fully.
- Continue inhaling for an additional 3 seconds, filling your chest and letting it expand.
- Pause your breath gently for 3 seconds.
- Exhale slowly from your chest for 3 seconds, letting it flatten.
- Continue exhaling for another 3 seconds, releasing the remaining air from your belly so it flattens.
- Pause your breath again for 3 seconds before beginning the cycle again.
While doing this exercise, focus on the physical sensations that accompany your breath. Pay attention to how it feels when your belly and chest expand with each inhalation and flatten with each exhalation. Also, notice how your body feels during the pauses. Try this for at least 5-10 minutes.
Combining this breathing exercise with the awareness exercise described above can be especially helpful. With a bit of practice, sometimes even a short meditation intervention of this kind is enough to diffuse a negative emotion or impulse. For example, you can name it when you notice you feel lonely (“I am aware I feel lonely”) and then direct your focus to the bodily sensations of your deep and slow breathing. As soon as another awareness interrupts your focus, name it (“I am aware that…”) and then return to the sensations of your breath.
For more information on these exercises, refer to the publications of Dr. Joseph Dillard, who taught me these exercises years ago (Amazon link).