Self-Fulfillment

Self-fulfillment could be understood as self-care, but it is more than that. It is giving yourself what you need and want without directly depending on others. Complete independence from everything seems impossible as a human being; even if you lived as a loner in the wilderness, you would still depend on food, shelter, health, and nature’s grace in general, to name just a few things. Furthermore, complete independence from other people also seems unreasonable. We all depend on others to provide us with food or health care, for example—both lonely and not-lonely people alike. Sharing responsibility allows for the wonders of civilization. So, some dependence is not an issue but a good thing.

Yet, there is a big difference between expecting or needing others to rescue you from your misery, boredom, negative emotions, and loneliness versus being able to be happy on your own. When we have an exaggerated need for others to like us, react positively to us, show us a good time, make us laugh, arouse us, or provide us with any other feeling of safety and excitement, this can inhibit our social freedom and make us appear needy and less attractive to be around. We not only give our power away, but we also contribute less to social situations by being overly focused on getting something out of it instead of giving something to it.

In intimate relationships, our partners likely feel burdened when we place the responsibility for our emotional well-being on them, and strangers will be repelled when they feel like they have to invest energy in us before they even know us properly. Additionally, we inhibit our personal growth when we focus our time and energy on getting what we want from others instead of simply giving it to ourselves.

Self-fulfillment is the skill of giving yourself a good time and taking care of your well-being by providing yourself (in the long and short term) with emotions of safety and excitement—without depending directly on others.

Ask yourself this:

  • Can you be alone and have a good time?
  • Do you usually have a good time when you are alone?
  • Can you be alone for more than two days and still feel good?
  • Can you make yourself laugh just by being on your own?
  • Can you still feel good when others around you are in a bad mood?
  • Can you still feel good when others around you don’t seem to like you?
  • Can you still feel good when others around you reject your advances?
  • Can you still feel good when others around you attack you in some way?
  • Can you still feel good when you are surrounded by people you don’t like?
  • Do you feel your career is on the path where you want it to be?
  • Do you take care of your hygiene, pay your bills, clean your place, and wear clean clothes?
  • Do you take care of your health to a reasonable degree and visit doctors if appropriate?

Use your common sense to answer these questions, try to be honest, and do not condemn yourself when you have shortcomings in any of these matters.

Exercises to increase your self-fulfillment

1.

When you have completed the 1-week authenticity challenge, it is recommended to continue with the 1-week challenge for self-fulfillment. For the next week, ask yourself frequently—especially when you feel bored, needy, uncertain, or are longing for attention, appreciation, positive feedback, or company in general—one of the following questions:

“What can I do right now to make my situation a bit better for me?”
“What could I say or do right now that would make me laugh?”

Additionally, you can ask yourself:
“What would be the most exciting thing to do for me now?”
“What would be the most loving thing to do for me now?”

And then DO IT. If you do not jump into the uncomfortable water, become authentic, and give yourself what you truly want and need, you might just continue to suffer. Do not expect someone else to come and save you. Help yourself; you most likely can.

2.

On a broader scale, take the necessary actions to live your life the way you authentically want to live it.

Is your life the way you want it to be? If not, what would need to change? Can you change that? If you can, what are the practical steps to do that?

Following the advice from Dr. Andrew Huberman (2022)1, based on findings from Wilson et al. (2019)2, choose one main goal you want to focus on next and consider how far you could progress in the coming 12 weeks. Set your goals in 12-week intervals and formulate them to be realistic but just slightly beyond what you currently believe is possible for you. Write the goal down with pen and paper. Also, formulate practical steps that you need to take to achieve the goal.

For example, for a healthy adult who wants to lose weight, writing down the goal in this manner might go like this:
In the next 12 weeks, I will lose 5 kg of weight. I will count my calories and eat 500 calories less than the typical maintenance level for someone my age, weight, size, and gender. I will do two running sessions and two strength-training sessions a week for 45 minutes each at my gym, following this specific training routine (e.g., 3 sets of 8–12 repetitions close to failure of bench press, pull-ups, squats, and military press—assisted when needed). Each week, I will weigh myself; if I lose too much weight, I’ll ramp up the calories. If I don’t lose enough, I’ll lower them a bit.

When you feel unmotivated to reach your goal, think about the negative consequences of not reaching it to keep you going. If you are motivated to do something about the goal, consider how good it will feel when you achieve it to motivate you further.

3.

Do you take care of your everyday business?
If you are lacking in one of these areas, address it. Do you take care of your…

  1. Health – Visit doctors when necessary and for regular check-ups, get enough sleep, stay active, maintain a balanced diet with mostly “unprocessed” foods, and drink enough water.
  2. Hygiene – Shower regularly, brush your teeth, take care of your nails, hair, and beard.
  3. Tidiness – Keep your living space as tidy as you want it to be; avoid trash, old food, or laundry lying around.
  4. Clothes – Wear clean, intact, and pleasant-smelling clothes that you like.
  5. Paying the bills on time – Rent, insurance, loans, taxes, etc.
  6. Work – Have a job that you like doing.
  7. Savings – Have some sort of saving plan or insurance for times when you are jobless, older, or sick.
  8. Passion & Fun – Engage regularly in activities that you find enjoyable.

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Sources
  1. Huberman, A. (Host). (2022, January 16). The science of setting & achieving goals (No. 55) [Audio podcast episode]. In Huberman Lab. Scicomm Media. https://www.hubermanlab.com/episode/the-science-of-setting-and-achieving-goals ↩︎
  2. Wilson, R.C., Shenhav, A., Straccia, M. et al. The Eighty Five Percent Rule for optimal learning. Nat Commun 10, 4646 (2019). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41467-019-12552-4 ↩︎

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